从修改中看写作原则
1。不要用激励美国教授来开头。2。 每个sentence has to serve a purpose.
Original:
I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving: To reach the port of heaven, we must s" sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it-but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor." I read those words said by Oliver Wendell Holmes two years ago, (irrelevant) From then on, I cherished them in my heart as my motto. I think it is the result of my continuing sailing in the sea of knowledge that I can apply to the Department of Economics of the world-famous University of with full confidence.
I was born in Chongqing, a blooming city in China. I havn’t met very big setbacks in my life. But my father came from the poor countryside, and slaved all day long with no assurance when the next meal will come when he was young. In the three years of famine in 1960s in China, He was almost starved to death. But he lived through finally and went into Sichuan University the best University in Sichuan Province by his struggle and fight. Now he is a famous professor in Department of Biology in a major University. My mother was born in Chongqing. The ten years of "Culture Revolution" wasted her youth and deprived her the chance of receiving university education. But she worked very hard and now is a minister of the ministry of personnel in a big corporation.
(why does he talk about his parents?)
Improved:
A top student of international finance at the XXX University, probably China's best institution of higher learning, I would like to scale higher intellectual heights by undertaking advanced studies in your Master’s program. Such studies will help me fulfill a dream that I have inherited from my parents: the eradication of poverty in China.
Although I grew up almost a pampered kid, I have learned of the scourge of poverty from my parents by listening to their stories about their childhood. My father, now a well-known professor of chemistry at the Sichuan University, was almost starved to death in the 1960s when his home village was mired in famine like many other parts of China. My mother, a manager of personnel with a major Chinese corporation, saw her youthful years slipping away in the chaotic "cultural revolution" period. Braving their trial and tribulation, they have always worked hard and are now well-established in their own careers. But they want more than a good life for themselves. They want to help make sure that no one in China will have to suffer in the future the way they did in the 1960s.
Prodded by my parents' high expectations, I have studied industriously over the years, drawing constant inspiration from the learning spirit prevalent on the campus of the Sichuan University, where my family had our home. While in primary and high school I was always recognized as the best student, for which I was sent to numerous national and provincial contests and earned many awards. These include a First Prize in the National Physics Contest of High School
Bad examples of pretending to be poetic or literary:
On African grasslands, every morning the first thing a panther thinks of is "Today, anyway I should run faster than the slowest antelope'. Meanwhile, what an antelope is thinking about is "Anyway I should run faster than the fastest panther'. However, regardless a panther or an antelope, the first thing is to Run.
In 1990, having successfully passed the most competitive examination, as an 'Honor Student" at provincial level, I was admitted by Dept. of Management of Northern University ranking first in our county. This is a milestone in my life,
Bad example:
Maybe I don't know my, destiny, but I do believe I will be the best. With my ambition to be an authority economist in China, I crave for further study in your institute to inspire my talents in Economics. My desired major is the research on Asian Economy.
The World takes a new look day after day and economy is playing a more and more important role in every country's development. In my view, the highly flourishing economy is the paramount civilization humankind has achieved in history. Especially in the late 20 centuries, with the accelerating progress in the globalization of world economy. Economy has become the theme of the whole world. As a senior at XXX University majoring in International Economics, I feet that my field is essential to the future of my country
You do not need to have groundbreaking achievement or extraordinary perspectives. You need to demonstrate your potential, drive, determination or good character.
The Western Station project in Beijing consisted of the mail hall (70,000 square meters), southern wing building group (40,000 square meters) and north wing building group (35. 000 square meters). My task was to assist in the design of a shopping center in the south wing which had 16,000 square meters. I independently accomplished a quarter of the design for the whole building, mainly responsible for the foundation design, calculation and drawing of steel distribution of beam, floor, columns and concrete piles. I cherished this opportunity to apply the knowledge I had learned in the classroom to the real world problems and I worked with my utmost dedication.
But it was not too long before I discovered that, even in this monumental project, design techniques applied in many cases left much to be desired. When treating the wind load, the earthquake force and the effect of frozen soil historical data and intelligent estimates were used in place of accurate measuring. This phenomenon made me determined to improve my knowledge and skills in a graduate program that can teach sophisticated know-how, such as yours.
It regrettably turned out that the design of the mail hall was seriously flawed, which drew intense media attention nationwide. The structure sank two meters after completion. As experts continue to help the court determine who is responsible, I myself have been awed by this drama and kept researching it ever since it became known.
My tentative explanation, submitted to the chief engineer, is that the disaster happened because the team of designers failed to take into account the underground water's power of buoyancy, even though the structure base was put below the waterbed. The structure floated until enough load was mounted. The proper construction method therefore should involved artificial precipitation until the completion of structure.
Upon graduation in 1996, I joined the Beijing Biggest Co., one of the four largest construction companies in China, and immediately took on management duties as an assistant manager at the construction. site. I have supervised steel engineering, concrete engineering and platform engineering for three twenty-three story buildings in the Beijing DD residential area, a total of 60,000 square meters in apartments. In this capacity, I was compelled to learn management skills that had never been taught in the classroom. Although construction management is not what I foresee to be a lifetime pursuit, I executed my duty meticulously and creatively. I became the first construction site manager in the company to conduct experiments comparing box-weir maintenance and the traditional manual watering method. By using box-weir method, weak concrete and cracks in the concrete were eliminated. Through these important, albeit small steps of improvement, I have derived immense satisfaction. |
